Diablo 2 Chronicles
by RTM
Summary: The humorous chronicles of Diablo 2 and Diablo : Lord Of Destruction characters. Review please.
1. Necromancer

Diablo 2 Chronicles

Jack the Necromancer was running, pursued by two wraiths from the Blood Raven Mausoleum, to make things harder he curently was on hardcore difficulty. And where in the nine hells is his clay golem.

**IIIIIIIIUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMM**

**"BONZAI!!!"**

**HUGE CRASH**

There was nothing left except the clay golem in a huge crater. The dumb thing decided to jump on the wraiths...

---

Just short drables about some tights that my active imagination does.


	2. Druid

Razen the druid just entered the rouge encampment and headed to Charsi while telling his spirit wolf stay near the campfire in the middle of the encampment. 

Just when he was about to speak to Charsi a voice was heard nearby. "Razen! Get this mutt off of me!"

Sighing, the druid turned around and his eyes almost jumped out of their sockets. There she was, Kashya lying on the wet ground being humped by his spirit wolf.

"RAZEN!" the rouge yelled. "GET HIM OFF OF ME!!!"

The next few hours were spent on getting the stuborn spirit wolf off Kashya, who seemed to be imposible to be dispelled. The dog heat season has began and it affected any canines, including spirit wolves.

---

R&R please


	3. Barbarian

The barbarian got of the carriage that brought him to the rouge encampment and stretched his sore muscles. He decided to train a little, he asked permission from Kashya and he got one. There was a lone post in the lower left corner of the encampment. The barbarian grinned savagely as he sharpened his axe, after deeming his axe sharp enough the barbarian approached the solitary post tensed his muscles and swinged his axe only to get...

"Not in town."

The barbarian blinked, looked at his axe then at the unmarred post and tried to swing again, only to get the same result.

"Not in town."

This continued for half an hour, until the barbarian had enough.

"I can't take this ANYMORE!" yelled the barbarian and tried to commit suicide only to get the same things.

"Not in town."

"YAAAARRRRGHHHH."

"Battlecries not in town."

"Oh, shut up."

"I will not shat up ya' bloody git'. Now go outside the damn encampment."

"I will not."

The rouges watched at the obviosly crazy barbarian who was speaking to himself.

---

Few minutes later the barbarian walked out and tried to swing his axe. He succseeded, after a few moments of blinking the barbarian grinned insanely and turned to a group of zombies and quill rats that were walking towards him. The barbarians grin got bigger until it almost covered the lower half of his face. The zombies groaned "ooooohhhh shiiiiiiit." and tried to get away, albeit they were really slow. The quill rats got away and never tried to attack any human the came across.

---

At the same time in Andariel's lair Andariel was looking at her magic pink ball that showed her the barbarian that simply shredded the zombies, turning the most area arround him into a violent shade of red. Andariel gulped and spoke.

"That is one insane barbarian." 


	4. Necromancer II

Author's Words:

Yay! First review, thank you very much. Now the next one came to me in a flash when I remebered Necromancer's poison novas.

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Jack the Necromancer grinned as he read his necromicon for dummies. This day was getting better and better, first he was able to clear out the two mausoleus in the Blood Raven graveyard, second he got a lot of gold including couple of magic rings and one torso armor that didn't clash with his outfit and was better that his previous torso armor. And third he was able to learn the poison nova spell this day couln't get any better.

Jack almost squealing exited the rouge encampment with his golem and got ready to test the spell on a passing quill rat. 'ever since that barbarian went nuts, these quill rats practically disappeared from the face of the Earth.' thought Jack as he gathered his energies, consertrated and executed the spell.

The quill rat that was watching him rolled on its back and started laughing hystericaly while the golems eyes which were two shiny gold coins fell out. The Necromancer looked very flushed, all was because behnd him was a slowly diminishing cloud of poison, Jack farted.

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Meanwhile at Andariel's lair...

"Hey Diablo honey, check this out. I'm sending you the magic ball recording." spoke andariel into her magic communication mirror before sending the recording of Jack the Necromancer farting a poisonous cloud. 'Oh what gasses you have.' thought Andariel while snickering and replaying the event over and over again.


	5. Barbarian II

"Leap?" the barbarian questioned as he watched the skill sheet that was floating in front of him.

"Yeah, you can jump high and over obstacles like a crowd of monsters." The barbarian spoke again though his voice now had a British accent.

"But don't I know how too jump? After all everybody can do that." To demonstrate his point the barbarian jumped, well tried to jump. He did not even move.

"Skill not learned yet."

The barbarian's left eye twitched in annoyance couple of times before he sighed and clicked on the leap skill. As he did that the skill sheet disappeared and he tried to jump again.

"Not in town."

"ARGHH---"

"Battle cries not in town."

The barbarian with his left eye twitching headed to the Horadric waypoint and chose Stony Field.

The barbarian stood in front of the Cairn Stones before sighing and trying to jump. Of course he succeeded and flew over one of the stones and was about to rejoice when he landed on another Cairn Stone… balls first.

"Kids, don't try this at home." The barbarian said in a Brit accent.

"Oh, shut up." The barbarian spoke in a squeaky voice as he slid of the stone and landed with a 'thud' on the ground while nursing his damaged privates.

"That is the last time I will listen to you!" he yelled though still in a chipmunk style voice.

"Ya, ya, suck it up it's not that painful."

"NOT that painful!!!"

Not far away a fallen camp was standing, a group of three shamans watched at the obviously insane barbarian talk with himself alternating from a squeaky chipmunk voice to a normal sounding voice with a British accent.

Meanwhile in the desert where Diablo was traveling with Marius to Luth Gholein. He was looking wide eyed at the recording. 'Damn… that's gotta hurt.'


	6. Paladin

The paladin dramatically walked, his heading to the Rouge Camp he heard about from the taverns. Suddenly he giggled as a perverted grin manifested on his face, a moment later it was replaced by a stony expression.

This was Antonio, a paladin and one of the most perverted men in the world. And he was heading into a Rouge Camp, the rouges were mostly an all female society that resembled the Amazon's only with a bit more leniency towards men…

[BREAK- BREAK- BREAK- BREAK]

Antonio slowly inhaled, the smell of fresh air and cooking meat… and women's lingerie! As he looked at the Rouges in the camp, his mind was already making a check list.

*Sometime Later*

Antonio slowly looked, while a red slap mark cooled on his right cheek and his dented armor cooled the throbbing bruises and such. He hit on Kashya, the red headed leader of the rouge archers. It was hard and strenuous, but ultimately he was about to gain the ultimate holy grail! And just as he was about to kiss… Antonio shuddered as he remembered, he said…

"_No Sex In Town."_

And Kashya went bonkers, she beat the living crap out of Antonio. And then, she left him in the rain outside the supply tent.

As he tried to get up he accidentally moved the wrong way and a part of his broken and dented armor dug into his privates. Not enough to incite blood and the following gore, but enough to make pain. Tears welled up in the black skinned paladin's eyes as he prepared to cry.

"No sissy crying in town."

"What the fu-"

"No swearing in town."

'This is hell…' thought Antonio.

"No thinking it town."

He wanted to scream, but ultimately the voice won. In the next morning Antonio was nowhere to be found.


	7. Necromancer III & Paladin II

Sorry for not updating, but I have little inspiration to draw from the game.

[BREAK-BREAK-BREAK-BREAK]

The Necromancer sighed; it was another day of fighting nigh infinite amount of Diablo and Andariel's minions. He just got to the Rouge Encampment a week ago and it's been the worst seven days he ever experienced. Not only he had to suffer the insane barbarian, druid with is pack of horny canines and that paladin...

'What did he do to piss Kashya off...' Jack's train of thoughts came to a stop as he saw something. It was a treasure chest, another one of the infinite amounts of wooden boxes that seem appear just lying on the ground all the way from the Rouge Encampment to the Monastery.

Jack knelt down in front of the treasure chest while at the same time ready to run away screaming and hide behind a his skeletal minions and clay golem. After a moment of inspection, the necromancer pulled out a key ring and unlocked the chest while sighing at the key that broke right after the lock clicked open.

"I swear keys are sturdier than this. No let's see what's in-" Jack the necromancer was interrupted by something pink flying out of the chest. A moment later the Necromancer was lying on his back singing 'I'm a little teapot'. At the same time his band of skeletal warriors and one clay golem stared at the neon pink boxing glove lying next to the chest, which apparently was launched out of the treasure chest by a spring mechanism.

[BREAK-BREAK-BREAK-BREAK]

"Nice dress..." Antonio greeted Blood Raven while smiling charmingly. This time he would not fail.

"Join my army of the dead!" Blood Raven cackled insanely while almost right out of nowhere dozens of rotten zombies have appeared.

"What?" Antonio said with one eyebrow raised. "I'm up for anything but that's to... kinky." the moment those words left everything froze. The zombies looked in shock at what the Paladin said, while Blood Raven suddenly gripped her bow so hard it started to crack.

"YOU did not just imply what I thought YOU. IMPLIED!" the corrupted Rouge growled out while pulling back the string of her bow as far back as she could.

'Wait'a minute...' Antonio paled at the flaming arrow that Blood Raven was preparing to let loose. 'Is she aiming where I think she's aiming!?'

"Wai, wai, wait a minute! Let me make this up to you!" Antonio screamed while dodging flaming arrows that were aimed somewhere he did not want to be hit.

"HOW!!?" the enraged Rouge roared while letting loose and flaming cloud of arrows at Antonio. At the same time, the zombies she raised were peeking out from behind one of the mausoleums of the Graveyard.

"I can sing..." Antonio spoke tentatively while sweating; he was nailed to the tree in the middle of the graveyard by flaming arrows. His plate mail pants were already heating up.

"You have five minutes..."

"We're no strangers to love..."

*Three minutes later*

"Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you..." Antonio finished singing, notably his pitch improved slightly while he was nailed to the tree by FLAMING arrows.

The same couldn't be said for Blood Raven, the corrupted Rouge was standing completely still. The zombies at the mausoleum were lying at the bottom of the stairs already dead from what they heard.

A moment later Blood Raven joined them in a display of lightning and such.

---

"Who the hell let that song into THIS DIMENSION!?" Diablo roared at Tyrael while showing him a glowing magic ball on which the Antonio's singing was recorded.

"Ummm..." the Archangel tried to find an excuse that would calm one of the Prime Evils.


	8. Pal III, Necro IV, Barbie III & Sorcie

As I've said, I don't have much inspiration to draw from and write about the game. So enjoy these short drabbles… Disclaimer: All rights belong to their respected owners.

"Heey, Charsi." Antonio greeted the blacksmith of the Rouges.

"Put it in the heap…" the blonde responded glumly, while pointing at the wagon sized heap of weaponry and armor next to her forge.

"But-" the Paladin's protest was cut short when Charsi simply growled at him in an almost animalistic way.

* * *

**Somewhere in the Black Marsh**

The necromancer and barbarian were both going ahead, Jack was grumbling something about do-gooders while the barbarian was talking with himself. The suddenly Jack and his entourage of skeletons, one golem and one Rouge archer twitched as the barbarian spoke.

"Uhhh, I need to take a leak…" the barbarian spoke quietly, at the same time t

"Again!" the necromancer shouted, while the Rouge and Jack's summons groaned in frustration. "What the hell are you drinking, that makes you need to take a leak every ten minutes?"

"Healing potions…"

* * *

**Somewhere in the Rouge Monastery**

"_Help us! This bitch is crazy!"_ a Dark One burst into the Rouge Monastery blacksmithing room, followed by more of his kin and a seemingly endless amount of fireballs and lightning. Quickly the skeletons, Shamans and such took cover behind various pieces of furniture, while in the front stood the large and muscular demon as 'The Smith' he was holding a big ornate hammer with the runes on it's handles spelling out 'Malus'.

The tense group, including the blacksmith demon nearly jumped when a brown head poked around the corner. For a moment the group of demons and the Sorceress looked at each other, then she muttered something and hid behind the corner again. A moment later three hydra heads composed of fire burst through the floor spewing balls of flame all over the room, unleashing total chaos.

The Smith stepped forward, ignoring the fireballs sizzling against his chest and took a couple of swings with his hammer, bringing down two of the hydra heads, the last one dodge the wide swing and did something that made the surviving demons flinch.

_***CHOMP***_

The wide eyes demonic blacksmith looked down at the hydra head _made of fire_ that just bit him and clamped down on _that_ place of his anatomy. Then he paled beyond recognition as he noticed the hydra head was preparing to fire another fireball…


	9. Chapter Nine

Here's another chapter for the D2 Chronicles. I extend my thanks to all people who reviewed this story. Unfortunately, I don't play D2 much anymore, it bores me and thus I don't really write much.

Disclaimer: All Rights and Property belong to their respective owners.

* * *

"Hey, wanna potion?" the Barbarian offered a small potion of healing to the limping Rogue who immediately and frantically shook her head.

"How abou-"

"No..." Jack interrupted the Barbarian who turned to him.

"But-"

"No!" the Necromancer shouted while backing away from the Barbarian, while holding his broken arm. "While _your_ magic ritual of 'squeezing' the potions out of corpses is valid, if a bit disgusting even for me, there is _NO_ way in _HELL_ I'll drink any potions gotten from _that_ part of the anatomy..."

"But the Mage Slayer drank them..." the Barbarian replied in a whiny voice.

"Who?"

"The Assassin..."

"And now I'll have nightmares of her coming and-"

**"SHUT UP!"** the whole party, excluding the barbarian roared at Antonio the Paladin.

* * *

"Uhh, wasn't that a bit of overkill?" the Rogue asked her employer, the Amazon.

"No..." the Amazon replied in a deadpan voice while shouldering her bow. "There is only 'open fire' and 'I need more arrows'. Rule 37..."

"You have ten quivers of arrows, isn't that a bit much?"

"There is no such thing as to many arrows."

"But each quiver holds three hundred and sixty arrows."

"So?"

"But... never mind." the Rogue gave up arguing with the Amazon.

"Alright then, let's go. We were supposed to be at the Monastery a couple of days ago."

"Because you wasted several dozen arrows on each one!"

"So?"

The Rogue's scream of frustration faded into the distance. A moment later the pin-cushion of arrows that was the body of a lowly zombie twitched and Andariel that was observing the scene, shook her head.


End file.
